What to do? What to do?

Kids. Kids. Kids.  They are everywhere.  Now that I am a mom I definitely admire, adore and respect kids more than I ever have in my life.  I just feel bad that kids I knew before now didn't stand a chance with me. I knew that when I had kids of my own it would be completely different and I would love them to the ends of the earth and back and that couldn't be more true.  I have adored some of my cousins and some of my friends kids but not all mind you.  

I guess I still have this crazy fucked up mentality.  For example, when my daughter was born.  Actually rewind that, before my daughter was born she had my heart and now she really has it and my heart is walking outside my body.  That is crazy shit!  I love my daughter SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much that she brings tears to my eyes on a daily basis and then when I am drinking it's even worse! I love that kid.  She held my heart in her little hand the minute she was born and placed in my arms for the first time.  But see this all makes sense to me because she was and still is a bad ass!  She is beautiful, perfect, funny, smart, kind, loving, passionate, caring and is just such a bad ass, it's no wonder that I am crazy about her as well as her father, two grandma's, two grandpa's her aunt, the cashiers at the grocery store and her pediatrician.  

Ok so now we have it covered that I don't like all kids, mine is a bad ass and now do I have another?  I am so torn.  Women pop out babies like it's "no thang!"  Do they not worry about money?  If they can mentally or physically handle another child?  Money?  College?  Money?  How it will affect the other child(ren)?  Money?

Having one child was a huge accident decision in itself, so to think to have more is an even bigger accident decision.  I have some how convinced myself to bite the bullet and have another child even though no one can give me an legitimate reason as to why to have more than one child other than "they will be lonely if their father and I are in a freak accident and both die at the exact same time!!"  Um, there are 7 billion people in this world I doubt they will ever be lonely.  "They will have a playmate!"  Um, sometimes the last person in the world you want to play or share secrets with is your stinky, sweaty brother or fat snitch-bitch of a sister - for the record I have neither - my sister is skinny, but statistically speaking.  

I have decided to have another child for nothing but selfish reason's only.  My mom had two kids. I want two kids.  I want to have another person out there besides myself and my daughter that thinks I am the bees knees.  

I get my IUD removed September 11th.  Wish me luck!

Sincerely,

Mediocre of a Mommy.

Clean House

It's come to my attention that those that have super clean homes obviously neglect their children. 

It's a fact. 

M&M's

My daughter is a relatively healthy eater.  She LOVES fruits and veggies and she eats pretty much whatever we eat for dinner.  Sometimes I feel like I should do a better job with her meals as far as being kid friendly as such, but then I am proud of us, as parents, exposing her to all kinds of foods.  Then it's also great that I don't have to stress when we do go out to eat. The Grandma's always freak out and want to make sure we go to a kid-friendly place - worst! First of all M is so excited to be out and about that she could care less about eating and second, that girl will eat shrimp, fish, steak and chicken, so we can eat anywhere.

Ok, sorry, I got off track.  Anyway, my daughter woke up Sunday morning and the first thing out of her mouth was "M, M's"  That's right she wanted M&M's. Poor little girl must have been dreaming about them all night. So we went downstairs and I gave her a few M&M's while I made breakfast.  Was this the right thins to feed my child first thing in the morning?  No, of course not, but she was happily entertained while I cooked a pretty healthy breakfast of french toast, sugar free syrup and fresh berries. 

I always remember to pick my battles. I love seeing my daughter smile - which she pretty much does 24/7 anyway and that makes me feel like a pretty good mom right there.  

This and That

I was super excited to become a mom and had no expectations.  The no expectations worked to my advantage I believe.  I mean all I heard was negative stuff from other moms, lame moms.  "Oh you're going to be SO tired!" "You're never going to get to do what you want anymore!" "I hope you like stinking.- consider yourself lucky if you get to shower!"  And so on and so. Lame! So when I was a new mom I felt like everything was great and it really was.  I was always tired so that wasn't a big deal and actually I got more sleep then, then I do now. I still do exactly what I want and now I have a little buddy to go with me. To be honest I don't mind not showering on the weekends, so that was no big deal there.  Plus why would you shower if you know you're going to continuously have spit up, boogies and food on you!?! 

When I get a chance to meet with a friend and she is a mom or a new mom at that. I despise discussing mothering techniques and our children.  First of all, no other mother is honest with the way they do things. You can't tell me that your children go to bed at the same time every night with no fussing,  they eat all organic and no sugar and you took the bottle away right at age one.  Plus no kid kicks ass as much as my daughter so let's not even go there!  Save it. 

I just go with the flow. I have learned to read M's body language and now that she is talking more and more, it's getting much easier to find out what she needs and when she needs it or if she needs it.  We don't need to buy every ball we see at every store!  

Anyway, M is getting more and more fun.  I can't get enough of her, seriously.  She is the coolest and best thing on this planet.  I know it's good and healthy to have time away from each other, but I miss her a shit ton when we are apart. 

I have a few time saving tips for working moms, so that you can spend more time with your child.  I apologize if they seem obvious - I'm still kind of new at this mommy thing.

• Go grocery shopping on your lunch break. then I put all my refrigerated items in the breakroom fridge.  Note to self:  Don't forget food in fridge.
• Anything I can prepare for dinner ahead of time I do in the morning before work - chopping, slicing, sauce - you know, things like that.  This saves time on dinner prep and makes more time to play.
• I take my baths and showers after M is in bed or napping. She freaks out if she is not in the bathroom with me.
• Or sometimes M and I will bathe together. 
• Everytime M gets home from being with g-ma I repack her bag so it's always ready to go, it takes 5 minutes and it's worth the time to do that.
• I have discovered freeze dried fruit packs for on the go.  She still gets the fruit she likes - the strawberries and bananas are delish - and I don't have to slice and package them up. Grab and Go!
• I have M help me clean her room, it's fun for her to put her toys where they go and same with her clothes, it helps - most of the time. 
• Don't let them watch t.v.  all day because when you really need to get something done, it grabs their attention.  M watches maybe a half hour a day in the evening when I need to get some chores done.
• Make your child eat what you are eating for dinner or at least try it  M eats a HUGE variety of food - even shrimp and fish.  It makes like so much easier.
• When going to a restaurant I let M sit at the table with us now that she is older until the food arrives.  Just let them color or play with the knives. Im' kidding, I'm kidding.  Then I put her in her high chair to eat or else it's way too much time in those blessed, germ infested restaurant high chairs and then you and your partner will have to eat in shifts. 
• Stop what you are doing and play with your kids. 

EVERY.TIME.  I take M to the park other kids come over to get our attention too.  They are just starving for attention.  I look around to find their parents and EVERY.TIME. they are sitting down playing/texting/sexting on their phone and it drives me bonkers!  Pay attention to your child so that I can enjoy mine.

I have to admit I was never a kid person and I'm still not.  I'm just an admirer of my child and if I have more in the future I am sure I will like them too.

I was never really around kids growing up.  My sis is five years younger than me so we didn't hang too much and I REFUSED to babysit.  My neighbors would beg and my mom would make me babysit, but it was known that at age 13 I had officially retired from babysitting.

I also was never a baby person.  I never rushed to hold a baby and if I asked if I wanted to hold one I would say "no" without any hesitation.

Anyway, with all this information you may think I don't even sound like I could meet the standards of even a mediocre mother.  I guess M will be the judge of that.

The Bottle!

Um, my name is Brooke and my 19 month old daughter still has her bottle.

Hi Brooke!

Yeah that's right I feel like I should get some group therapy on how to take my daughter's bottle away from her.  She loves it.  I love it.  When it comes nap or bedtime we give that to our daughter and she's out.  It comforts her and it makes our job easier. BUT. I do know that it's wrong.  The doctor did tell me that my daughter can have her bottle until she is 12 as long as there is no milk in there, it's the milk sugars that harm the teeth, but on the other hand the bottle can affect their teeth and the way they come in.

To be honest with you I haven't done much research on the effects of having a bottle until your double digits, but I do know that would be rather embarrassing for all involved it that was the case.

I just want to justify why my daughter still has a bottle at almost 2 years of age in addition to the things I mentioned above.  She is such a good, good girl and doesn't have any other attachments to anything - a blanky, a stuffed toy or doll just her bottle and so I feel bad about taking that one thing away.

I feel though that I am not giving her the respect she deserves because she is a smart and adaptable little girl and I bet we could take it away and she would do just fine.  So is she still given her bottle because we can't part with it? What to do?  What to do?

The interesting thing is when I talk to other mom's about they have no advice but yet they just took it away at 12 months with no problems. Is it really that easy?   

Dum Dums!!

We joined my partner's family for dinner last night at a restaurant.  M was clearly tired as she didn't get much sleep at the sitter's (Grandma), so I will excuse her crazy behavior for that since it is not entirely her fault.  Did I let her eat 3, yes 3 Dum Dum suckers for dinner? Yes!  Even though she had a perfectly warm and yummy dinner in front of her.  Yes!  Do I suck as a mom? Possibly!! But, I wanted to let everyone else around us enjoy their dinner.  Were we at a family friendly restaurant that frequently witnesses outbursts from their young patrons? Yes!  But, I wanted to enjoy my perfectly warm and yummy dinner too! We all survived.  M will too!  No worries we boxed up her meal and she had it for lunch today.  Did I get judged by others?  Of course I did.  I even heard the people in the booth next to us comment on the Dum Dum consumption.  Yeah well your 3 old daughter still has a freakin' binky!!!! I decided to keep that comment to myself. Judging gets you nowhere.  See we obviously judge ourselves enough. 

I read a quote like this that I really liked and have reminded myself of it all week.

Judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are!

And the award of Best Mom goes to.....................

.............................. well apparently not me!  I have a girlfriend who is single with no children. She always stresses to me what a good excellent mother her friend is AND every time she talks about her friend she has to add in, "she's the most excellent mother I know!"  For example, "Sally**, you know?  My friend that is the most excellent mother I know, well, she, blah blah blah!" "My friend, Sally, not only is she the most excellent mother I know, she is the best cook too!" "My friend, Sally, that is the most excellent mother I know, and the most excellent cook, she was telling me that blah, blah, blah!" Ugh!!!  I admire the fact that my friend admires her friend so much,  but still does she have to say that. every. single. freaking. time?  Especially when she knows I struggle and strive to be an excellent mother.  Let me clarify, by struggling I mean I am a working mother and so you have to find a good balance with work, home, being a partner and a mother - if we could just take work out of the equation that'd be awesome and that's for another post.  Anyway,  then I strive to be the most excellent mother to M while I also strive to be a kick ass employee, partner, friend, sister, daughter, just thank God I am not a aunt right now! ; )

So I asked myself, when I really should be asking my friend,  what makes a mother excellent?  So excellent that you could say, "she is the most excellent mother I know" every time you speak of said woman!

Then I started thinking that if this mother is excellent then this is the best she will ever be and that is not good enough for me.  I am a good mother, a dang good mother with room for improvement and growth and that woman will just have to settle as excellent for the rest of her life.  I will be a word much bigger than excellent some day!!  And I will wait for my     child(ren) to tell me what that word is and not some co-worker.  I want to hear it from my kid's mouth - that be more rewarding to me than anything!

** names have been changed to protect the Best Mother's identity.

Sometimes

Sometimes....................

...... I let my M have a sugary treat before dinner!

.................... I let her M stay up as late as she wants.  She's bound to get tired sometime, right!?!

.................. I swear in front of M and pray that this is not the time she decides to copy what I say.

....................... I kiss her cute little face for 5 minutes straight.  I gotta take advantage while I can.

............. I get sad when I think of the day that M says she hates me.

........................  I dream about putting M in a big bubble to keep her safe from this crazy world.

................ I wish I became a mother sooner when I was young and had more energy.

......................  I sneak M some cookie dough when baking cookies, it tastes SO yummy!!

............ I want to move to the Amish country and escape this crazy, fast-paced society!

................ I have to pinch myself to make sure that M is not just a dream come true!

.......... I can't thank God enough for giving me the blessing of being M's mommy.

............... I feel like a failure.

...................... I know that I am doing the best I can and that has to be good enough.

............ as a mom I feel so alone and wonder if all the mom's are hanging out without me.

But I always, always know how lucky I am. Always.

SICK!!!

There is nothing more, in my book, that makes you feel like a Mediocre of a Mommy then having to care for a sick child.  Last week my daughter got sick, I mean really sick, for the first time ever.  I knew how blessed I was and especially know how blessed I truly am to have a healthy child!  That was the absolute worst thing!!

Of course it was on a Monday that M got sick.  I could tell she wasn't herself when I woke her up, but I thought it was her teeth that were bugging her and I dropped her off at my Grandma's since Michael was working. It was a typical busy Monday and I had an afternoon meeting that I was in for over an hour, came back to my office and had a message to call my Grandma A.S.A.P. - my heart raced.  I called my Grandma and she said "Your baby is really sick! She is throwing up!"  Well I started crying and flew out the door of work.  Luckily my bosses seemed pretty understanding.  It seemed like the longest drive to get to my baby!  When I arrived she was just sitting in my Grandma's lap with her big beautiful eyes full of tears.  She didn't smile or even move when I arrived. She just sat there and stared at me, it was heart breaking!

Well I took her to the doctor and felt so bad for her having to be checked and prodded when she had a fever of 104 and all she wanted to do was go home, cuddle and watch cartoons.  I don't feel like a total Mediocre of a Mom just yet, but it's coming.

We finally get home after an hour and a half at the doctor's.  I did everything the doctor said but added lots of extra love. Well just around bedtime M got a burst of energy and was acting 1,000% better and I even said to Michael, "so I guess I can go to work tomorrow!"  He said that it could come back - whatever!!  Well he was right, it did come back.  I checked on M at 3:30 a.m. and she was on FIRE!!  Then I couldn't go back to sleep on debating whether or not to wake her up to give her meds or what.  Ok so I felt helpless right about then and pretty much Mediocre.

I let M continue sleeping until she woke up naturally.  She was still on fire.  I called into work for the next two days to care for M.  My days would have been easier going to work.  M just wanted to be held and I loved holding M, but it made it challenging to use the restroom, get a drink or make meals and bottles.   Needless to say I didn't shower for 2 days!!

M's fever finally broke at around 4:30 a.m. Wednesday morning. Poor girl!  She was sleeping on my chest that night and she was a little heater, but I could tell right when it went away as we both immediately cooled down.

I am SOOOOO thankful to have an exceptional healthy, beautiful baby,  I am thankful to have a job where I have health benefits and paid time off to care for my child, I am thankful to have such a wonderful mother and Grandmother that are always so willing to help, I am thankful to have a supportive and helpful partner and with out all of these things I would have felt much less than Mediocre.  

I never want my daughter to get sick again!

Saddest. Thing. Ever.

Bedtime

So I have always been pretty lenient with bedtime, I guess, some would say.  I work Monday thru Friday from 8am to 5pm, so I want to spend every minute that I am home with my little one and therefore

We have no routine.  No set schedule.

I just may have heard some gasps!

There I said it and I'll say it again. 

We have no routine. No set schedule.

M has more of a schedule/routine during the day, but come time when mom gets home from work there is no routine or set schedule and guess what!?  I like it that way.  I do!  I know we'll all make it to bed eventually.

M is done napping by the time I get home or by 6 p.m.at the latest and then we do whatever the hell we want.  We may go out to dinner, we may order pizza, dad might make something, we might snack and play then eat at 9 p.m.,  we sometimes watch cartoons after dinner 'til bedtime, sometimes M goes to G-ma's and we go on a date. 

Then what we do is we all go to bed at the same time or chances are M goes to bed when she is tired around 10 p.m., 11 p.m. at the latest - weekends are an exception.  I just see it that if we're awake why not all hang out together. 

This  non-schedule works for us,   it doesn't affect mine and my partners sleeping  or not sleeping if you know what I mean! 

Do what works best for you, your child, your partner and your family. Then guess what works even better for us!?!?  M will sleep in too and that is awesome.

I just think it's so easy for other mom's to tell you that their child goes to bed at such and such time and they never make any exceptions, well that just doesn't sound practical or fun.  M is so flexible.  Granted I know that a bed time will be put into place when M is in school, but you have your whole life for schedule/routine so live it up while you can!

Having a strict bed time when your child is so young and not meeting that bed time is just another reason to beat yourself up.  Take it easy. Relax and enjoy time with your family.  You can sleep when your dead.  Kids grow so fast!  Take and enjoy every minute together. 

Oh and even when Maizy does go to bed early I still never make it to bed before 11 p.m. I swear!!

Sleep Schmeep

Sleep is becoming a luxury for me.  I am one of those people that need their sleep!!!  I know everyone does, but there's always those people that don't need 8 hours just to function or regardless of how little sleep they have they still look fab and are smiling.  Gosh I hate those people!

Yesterday after work I picked up Michael at the lesbian bar - he wanted a drink and his boss dropped him off at the nearest bar, so it was that or the strip club, but after walking in and seeing 2 hot ladies making out and Michael's jaw sitting on the bar it was apparent that he was pretty happy there - anyway, I pried Michael off the bar then we drove to pick-up M at my Grandma's house where she spent the day. After picking up M's toys at Grandma's and picking up a pizza on the way home I was ready to watch my show (Modern Family) and hit the hay. 

Well, that didn't happen!!  We did get home and I laid M down for a couple of hours since Gma always wears her out.  I was able to eat some pizza and watch my show in peace.  Then M woke up, so we played with her and fed her dinner too.  Then Michael decided he was going to go take a long hot bath!!  Um,  yeah that's no fair!!  I rarely get to do that and if I do I feel guilty as M is pounding at the door so she can come in, the guilt really sets in so I let all my hot, bubbly water out and get out of the tub!! UGH!!! 

Anyway, as I am playing with M who is still a little fussy and not much fun to hang out with at this point.  Michael is MIA. We go find him and  yeah he is asleep in bed!!!  I am the one that's TIRED!!!!  (Michael is usually not an ass like this. He was exceptionally tired.)

So I decide to lay Maizy down, but she won't have it.  She is screaming!  Yelling!  Crying!  She wants to play and I feel guilty.  So I take her out of her crib and bring her into our room and decide I am going to go to sleep like Michael.  He is snoring at this point.

Oh my long drawn out story and here is the Mediocre of a Mommy part if you hadn't thought I was already. M is in the dark playing in our room.  She is having a blast!!  There was enough light coming through the window so she could see her way around  - no worries, you worry warts out there!  She was having a blast playing on the mounds of clean laundry waiting to be put away, she had fun looking through my magazines and books on my nightstand,  she would eventually make a noise or screech in joy and wake Michael up.  Then he'd lie back down,  well when M decided to come climb on Michael and bounce on him, he was up!!  He was the bad guy this time and put Maizy back in her crib!  Mission accomplished!!!!  His sleep got interrupted and now I could go to sleep too!!! 

Michael works manual labor when he does work and I know that makes for a long day, he's sore and tired but he doesn't work every day.  I do!!  I know he thinks I just sit at a desk all day but it's a lot more than that.  I don't get to nap during the day if I'm tired.  I worry and stress about work, home, money, M and all the things mom's worry about on top of all my work deadlines and the awesome office politics (insert sarcasm) that are offered with an office job. Plus I have to have clean hair and get in decent looking clothes and semi matching shoes, smile and interact with my co-workers.  My brain is fried!!

This morning as Michael was doing the count down "You have 30 minutes!"  "You have 20 minutes!" He sat on the bed and had the audacity to tell me that I would feel better if I woke up and exercised! (Michael is usually not an ass like this.  His timing for this conversation couldn't have been worse.) Um, yeah, that takes energy and I have none of that!!  I would LOVE to, but that is the furthest thing from my super tired brain!!

I am considering going to take a nap in my car on my lunch break.  One of M's super soft blankies is in there!  Hhhhmmmmm!!!

Oh and I have no advice for you mommies out there on sleep deprivation.  I'll just leave you with what my mother told me "No worries.  You'll only be tired until they're about 5."  Oh cool. Great.  Thanks!

Diaper Bag

Now that I am into this mommy thing 17 months and counting I think I am FINALLY getting the hang of packing a diaper bag.  When we left the house when my baby was itty bitty my biggest concern was remembering her, making sure she was strapped into her car seat properly and making it safely to our destination.  Those were my biggest concerns and rightfully so!! I breast fed my daughter so I never had to worry about remembering food - check!  It was when we reached our destination that I heard the criticism, and ALL from the Grandma's!!!

"You forgot the diaper cream!?!?"

"You only have 3 other outfits packed!?!?"

"Where is a hat for her??? What no HAT!?!?!"

"You don't have a bib for her!?!  WHAT no bib!?!?"

"It's 75 degrees outside and you don't have a sweater for her!?!  What's wrong with you!?!?"

"You don't have a blanket for her!?!?!  No blanket!!  Oh just 2 blankets??  Really!?!?"

"She's starving.  You should feed her!!  Don't you ever feed your baby!!!"

"She is crying.  She must have gas!!  Don't you care that your baby has gas!?!?!"

WOW!!  And I am not exaggerating, it was THAT bad! And I could go on for days.  I would always be somewhere with my daughter feeling post-partumish, fat, incompetent and now guilty!!  Thanks!!  As if mom's don't carry enough guilt already.  Sometimes those comments would make me cry, sometimes they wouldn't, sometimes I would just comfort myself by eating and keeping my post partum mouth shut.  I just had to console myself any way I could and I couldn't drink, so nothing would drown out the nagging of the mothers/grandmothers.

Well after months of that and me interpreting such comments as "just what kind of mother are you?" "Should you even be a mother?"  I started wondering what kind of mothers my mother, mother-in-law and Grandmother were.  Of course they would never admit to any of their faults.  Well from the mom's zaniness, my sister's bitchiness, my aunt's "special"ness, my uncle's over compensating with materialistic things, my "in-laws" lack of ability to speak without screaming and my Grandma's coddling ways I knew I had my answer. It kind of hurt my feelings that out of all the mother's I knew none of them came forward and admitted their faults or gave super, honest advice that I could really use. Not one.  They just seemed to judge. 

Being a mom and just doing it and being in the midst of it all is really the best and only way to learn.  Do what's best for you and your baby.  Seriously!!  You could read all the books in the world but no two babies or mother's are alike - you do the math!! The possibilities are endless.

So just do what your gut tells you to do, go with what your babies eyes, sounds and reactions are telling you.  Just do your best. Not someone else's.  I had to mutter that to myself all the time to even fight back the tears (damn hormones) sometimes. "I'm doing my best.  I'm doing my best."

My baby didn't like having layers, upon layers of clothing and blankets.  I knew that, my mom's didn't.  I knew that my baby never liked wearing hats, still doesn't, but they would force them on my sweet baby's little noggin just for her to grab at them.

One time I took M to my mom's while we went to a movie and I forgot to pack diapers.  I know. I know.  My mom yelled at me, made me feel shitty and reminded me of how my daughter felt walking around in a pinned together dish towel and stressed the traumatizing event some more.  Well that hurt my feelings more than she knows, but I could have done the same and turned it around on her and said  "what Grandma doesn't have diapers on hand. Huh!?!  Huh!?!"  But I didn't.  It's not like we live in the dark ages since there are these places called stores and they are everywhere.  I would even say there are hundreds where diapers can be purchased and it's not like my mom is hurting for money.  So don't fall for the guilt game.  We all survived.  My baby will never remember the dish towel diaper 9plus I thought it looked quite comfortable), we enjoyed the movie immensely and did my mom learn!?!  No!! I had to be the one to buy diapers and leave them at her house.  Have I learned?  Yes. Lots.

Here is some diaper bag advice.

You could go with something all nice and organized like this.........

Or go with this.......


• buy multiple diaper creams so you can leave one in the diaper bag at all times.
• leave the diaper bag in the laundry room or near it if it's convenient so you can empty the dirty clothes/bibs and add clean ones right out of the wash. 
• OVER pack!  Seriously.  Get kind of obnoxious with it.  For one trip to Grandma's pack 10 diapers, 6 bibs, 5 outfits, 10 pairs of socks, 4 hats, 2 packs of wipes, 3 diaper creams, 2 blankets and a bottle of anti-gas medicine - just to show you care!
• have a non-girly diaper bag for daddy to carry around with confidence.

That's it for now. 

So, um, where's the manual?

I am not sure if this is a real book, but even a manual couldn't prepare you for being a mommy.

When you are pregnant there are books that tell you what to expect and how to soothe any discomforts due to pregnancy if any.  I had a pretty slick pregnancy - even though I was put on bed rest due to my high blood pressure.  That's the thing with high blood pressure a.k.a. The Silent Killer - you feel fine!  Sure you have a headache here and there but not bed rest worthy.

Then the actual labor part was a breeze even though I was on magnesium - it makes you feel like you have the flu.  I couldn't wait to get off that shit!  Then to only be on it for 5 more days AFTER the birth of my daughter.  Another story.  Another time. Anyway, I pushed like 5 times and my beautiful daughter entered the world.  She took my breathe as she was taking her first.  I couldn't believe what me and my partner had created and that she was ours. Forever and ever.

Then I kept reminding myself that. She is mine forever and ever.  Wow!! That's a really long time.  Will she like me that long?  Won't she get sick of me?  What are we supposed to do for that long?  How do I be her mother and teach her to do a lot of things opposite of what I did?  How do I get to be her friend too?  How will I handle the first time she slams a door in my face?  Or yells and says she hates me?  Um, so yeah, where's the manual for this thing?

I decided to let pondering the answers to all those questions subside and just take it all in.  I was in love with the most precious thing God has given me.  God really loves me this much to give this beautiful, precious life?  Wow, what a wonderful, forgiving and loving God I have!?!  Holy shit!?!?! 

I just knew that I didn't want to let my daughter, God, my partner or family down and just be the best mom I can be.

Long story short, so far, so good.  I think I am a pretty good mom. I think it's others that may make you feel mediocre.  I have to remember a lot as a person, we all do and especially as a moms - phone numbers, passwords, doctors appointments, to put gas in the car, to pump your breasts so that you aren't in a shit ton of pain during your 2 o'clock meeting, to not feed your child honey - not until they are 2 - that's a long time to remember that one, anyway, there is A LOT!!!!!  And all of this can be very, very overwhelming at times, but to stay somewhat sane, I just did everytihng the best I could, the best I knew how and didn't sweat the small stuff!!

I mean do we really read the manual's to things?? Don't we try it first then if it fails refer back to the manual and even then skipping to the pages that look relevant?? Yeah I thought so!  So I guess that has been my approach to this mommy thing too!

I have a friend that is super anal -  reads all of the mommy blogs and emails "what your child should be doing!"  and if her child is not doing what that email says he should be doing at week 12 or what have you she takes him to be tested just to make sure that everything is ok with him!!  Ugh!!  And these are silly things like "your 1 year old should be able to repeat the alphabet not only forwards but backwards too!"  Really!?!?  Who are these people that write these things!?!  Frankly when I get those emails and see all the spelling errors, the stupid ass topics they discuss or the freaking ridiculous other mother's questions I stop reading right there and then.  And so should you.  We are all different.  We all have different learning styles and that goes for children too!  My daughter may do things way sooner than most, because she is super advanced of course, or I just wait it out and eventually she'll do it.

I have a story about this.  M was given a teddy bear that had buttons on it, made sounds and gave verbal instructions on what buttons to push and when.  Well the tag on the toy said it was for ages 0-3 months.  Well M reached 3 months and still didn't know how to interactively play with the toy and I was secretly upset.  I thought to myself, "is M not smart? I mean I know she's smart, but why doesn't she play with this toy like she is supposed to? Oh no!!! Oh no!!!!"  And I started freaking out.  Then M's cousin came over, found the bear and LOVED it.  The cousin barely (no pun intended) knew how to play it and was 2 years old!!  Whew!! My worries were over.  The toy was dumb and was clearly intended for old children.  Do you get my point? 

Just be patient.  Don't be psychotic.  Roll with the punches and everything will be ok. Let your baby be a baby.  Don't rush things and that naturally happens and they grow up way too fast!

Don't sweat the small stuff.  Do what you feel is right.  Listen to that mommy intuition and the worst you will be is mediocre. ; )