Sleep Schmeep

Sleep is becoming a luxury for me.  I am one of those people that need their sleep!!!  I know everyone does, but there's always those people that don't need 8 hours just to function or regardless of how little sleep they have they still look fab and are smiling.  Gosh I hate those people!

Yesterday after work I picked up Michael at the lesbian bar - he wanted a drink and his boss dropped him off at the nearest bar, so it was that or the strip club, but after walking in and seeing 2 hot ladies making out and Michael's jaw sitting on the bar it was apparent that he was pretty happy there - anyway, I pried Michael off the bar then we drove to pick-up M at my Grandma's house where she spent the day. After picking up M's toys at Grandma's and picking up a pizza on the way home I was ready to watch my show (Modern Family) and hit the hay. 

Well, that didn't happen!!  We did get home and I laid M down for a couple of hours since Gma always wears her out.  I was able to eat some pizza and watch my show in peace.  Then M woke up, so we played with her and fed her dinner too.  Then Michael decided he was going to go take a long hot bath!!  Um,  yeah that's no fair!!  I rarely get to do that and if I do I feel guilty as M is pounding at the door so she can come in, the guilt really sets in so I let all my hot, bubbly water out and get out of the tub!! UGH!!! 

Anyway, as I am playing with M who is still a little fussy and not much fun to hang out with at this point.  Michael is MIA. We go find him and  yeah he is asleep in bed!!!  I am the one that's TIRED!!!!  (Michael is usually not an ass like this. He was exceptionally tired.)

So I decide to lay Maizy down, but she won't have it.  She is screaming!  Yelling!  Crying!  She wants to play and I feel guilty.  So I take her out of her crib and bring her into our room and decide I am going to go to sleep like Michael.  He is snoring at this point.

Oh my long drawn out story and here is the Mediocre of a Mommy part if you hadn't thought I was already. M is in the dark playing in our room.  She is having a blast!!  There was enough light coming through the window so she could see her way around  - no worries, you worry warts out there!  She was having a blast playing on the mounds of clean laundry waiting to be put away, she had fun looking through my magazines and books on my nightstand,  she would eventually make a noise or screech in joy and wake Michael up.  Then he'd lie back down,  well when M decided to come climb on Michael and bounce on him, he was up!!  He was the bad guy this time and put Maizy back in her crib!  Mission accomplished!!!!  His sleep got interrupted and now I could go to sleep too!!! 

Michael works manual labor when he does work and I know that makes for a long day, he's sore and tired but he doesn't work every day.  I do!!  I know he thinks I just sit at a desk all day but it's a lot more than that.  I don't get to nap during the day if I'm tired.  I worry and stress about work, home, money, M and all the things mom's worry about on top of all my work deadlines and the awesome office politics (insert sarcasm) that are offered with an office job. Plus I have to have clean hair and get in decent looking clothes and semi matching shoes, smile and interact with my co-workers.  My brain is fried!!

This morning as Michael was doing the count down "You have 30 minutes!"  "You have 20 minutes!" He sat on the bed and had the audacity to tell me that I would feel better if I woke up and exercised! (Michael is usually not an ass like this.  His timing for this conversation couldn't have been worse.) Um, yeah, that takes energy and I have none of that!!  I would LOVE to, but that is the furthest thing from my super tired brain!!

I am considering going to take a nap in my car on my lunch break.  One of M's super soft blankies is in there!  Hhhhmmmmm!!!

Oh and I have no advice for you mommies out there on sleep deprivation.  I'll just leave you with what my mother told me "No worries.  You'll only be tired until they're about 5."  Oh cool. Great.  Thanks!

Diaper Bag

Now that I am into this mommy thing 17 months and counting I think I am FINALLY getting the hang of packing a diaper bag.  When we left the house when my baby was itty bitty my biggest concern was remembering her, making sure she was strapped into her car seat properly and making it safely to our destination.  Those were my biggest concerns and rightfully so!! I breast fed my daughter so I never had to worry about remembering food - check!  It was when we reached our destination that I heard the criticism, and ALL from the Grandma's!!!

"You forgot the diaper cream!?!?"

"You only have 3 other outfits packed!?!?"

"Where is a hat for her??? What no HAT!?!?!"

"You don't have a bib for her!?!  WHAT no bib!?!?"

"It's 75 degrees outside and you don't have a sweater for her!?!  What's wrong with you!?!?"

"You don't have a blanket for her!?!?!  No blanket!!  Oh just 2 blankets??  Really!?!?"

"She's starving.  You should feed her!!  Don't you ever feed your baby!!!"

"She is crying.  She must have gas!!  Don't you care that your baby has gas!?!?!"

WOW!!  And I am not exaggerating, it was THAT bad! And I could go on for days.  I would always be somewhere with my daughter feeling post-partumish, fat, incompetent and now guilty!!  Thanks!!  As if mom's don't carry enough guilt already.  Sometimes those comments would make me cry, sometimes they wouldn't, sometimes I would just comfort myself by eating and keeping my post partum mouth shut.  I just had to console myself any way I could and I couldn't drink, so nothing would drown out the nagging of the mothers/grandmothers.

Well after months of that and me interpreting such comments as "just what kind of mother are you?" "Should you even be a mother?"  I started wondering what kind of mothers my mother, mother-in-law and Grandmother were.  Of course they would never admit to any of their faults.  Well from the mom's zaniness, my sister's bitchiness, my aunt's "special"ness, my uncle's over compensating with materialistic things, my "in-laws" lack of ability to speak without screaming and my Grandma's coddling ways I knew I had my answer. It kind of hurt my feelings that out of all the mother's I knew none of them came forward and admitted their faults or gave super, honest advice that I could really use. Not one.  They just seemed to judge. 

Being a mom and just doing it and being in the midst of it all is really the best and only way to learn.  Do what's best for you and your baby.  Seriously!!  You could read all the books in the world but no two babies or mother's are alike - you do the math!! The possibilities are endless.

So just do what your gut tells you to do, go with what your babies eyes, sounds and reactions are telling you.  Just do your best. Not someone else's.  I had to mutter that to myself all the time to even fight back the tears (damn hormones) sometimes. "I'm doing my best.  I'm doing my best."

My baby didn't like having layers, upon layers of clothing and blankets.  I knew that, my mom's didn't.  I knew that my baby never liked wearing hats, still doesn't, but they would force them on my sweet baby's little noggin just for her to grab at them.

One time I took M to my mom's while we went to a movie and I forgot to pack diapers.  I know. I know.  My mom yelled at me, made me feel shitty and reminded me of how my daughter felt walking around in a pinned together dish towel and stressed the traumatizing event some more.  Well that hurt my feelings more than she knows, but I could have done the same and turned it around on her and said  "what Grandma doesn't have diapers on hand. Huh!?!  Huh!?!"  But I didn't.  It's not like we live in the dark ages since there are these places called stores and they are everywhere.  I would even say there are hundreds where diapers can be purchased and it's not like my mom is hurting for money.  So don't fall for the guilt game.  We all survived.  My baby will never remember the dish towel diaper 9plus I thought it looked quite comfortable), we enjoyed the movie immensely and did my mom learn!?!  No!! I had to be the one to buy diapers and leave them at her house.  Have I learned?  Yes. Lots.

Here is some diaper bag advice.

You could go with something all nice and organized like this.........

Or go with this.......


• buy multiple diaper creams so you can leave one in the diaper bag at all times.
• leave the diaper bag in the laundry room or near it if it's convenient so you can empty the dirty clothes/bibs and add clean ones right out of the wash. 
• OVER pack!  Seriously.  Get kind of obnoxious with it.  For one trip to Grandma's pack 10 diapers, 6 bibs, 5 outfits, 10 pairs of socks, 4 hats, 2 packs of wipes, 3 diaper creams, 2 blankets and a bottle of anti-gas medicine - just to show you care!
• have a non-girly diaper bag for daddy to carry around with confidence.

That's it for now. 

So, um, where's the manual?

I am not sure if this is a real book, but even a manual couldn't prepare you for being a mommy.

When you are pregnant there are books that tell you what to expect and how to soothe any discomforts due to pregnancy if any.  I had a pretty slick pregnancy - even though I was put on bed rest due to my high blood pressure.  That's the thing with high blood pressure a.k.a. The Silent Killer - you feel fine!  Sure you have a headache here and there but not bed rest worthy.

Then the actual labor part was a breeze even though I was on magnesium - it makes you feel like you have the flu.  I couldn't wait to get off that shit!  Then to only be on it for 5 more days AFTER the birth of my daughter.  Another story.  Another time. Anyway, I pushed like 5 times and my beautiful daughter entered the world.  She took my breathe as she was taking her first.  I couldn't believe what me and my partner had created and that she was ours. Forever and ever.

Then I kept reminding myself that. She is mine forever and ever.  Wow!! That's a really long time.  Will she like me that long?  Won't she get sick of me?  What are we supposed to do for that long?  How do I be her mother and teach her to do a lot of things opposite of what I did?  How do I get to be her friend too?  How will I handle the first time she slams a door in my face?  Or yells and says she hates me?  Um, so yeah, where's the manual for this thing?

I decided to let pondering the answers to all those questions subside and just take it all in.  I was in love with the most precious thing God has given me.  God really loves me this much to give this beautiful, precious life?  Wow, what a wonderful, forgiving and loving God I have!?!  Holy shit!?!?! 

I just knew that I didn't want to let my daughter, God, my partner or family down and just be the best mom I can be.

Long story short, so far, so good.  I think I am a pretty good mom. I think it's others that may make you feel mediocre.  I have to remember a lot as a person, we all do and especially as a moms - phone numbers, passwords, doctors appointments, to put gas in the car, to pump your breasts so that you aren't in a shit ton of pain during your 2 o'clock meeting, to not feed your child honey - not until they are 2 - that's a long time to remember that one, anyway, there is A LOT!!!!!  And all of this can be very, very overwhelming at times, but to stay somewhat sane, I just did everytihng the best I could, the best I knew how and didn't sweat the small stuff!!

I mean do we really read the manual's to things?? Don't we try it first then if it fails refer back to the manual and even then skipping to the pages that look relevant?? Yeah I thought so!  So I guess that has been my approach to this mommy thing too!

I have a friend that is super anal -  reads all of the mommy blogs and emails "what your child should be doing!"  and if her child is not doing what that email says he should be doing at week 12 or what have you she takes him to be tested just to make sure that everything is ok with him!!  Ugh!!  And these are silly things like "your 1 year old should be able to repeat the alphabet not only forwards but backwards too!"  Really!?!?  Who are these people that write these things!?!  Frankly when I get those emails and see all the spelling errors, the stupid ass topics they discuss or the freaking ridiculous other mother's questions I stop reading right there and then.  And so should you.  We are all different.  We all have different learning styles and that goes for children too!  My daughter may do things way sooner than most, because she is super advanced of course, or I just wait it out and eventually she'll do it.

I have a story about this.  M was given a teddy bear that had buttons on it, made sounds and gave verbal instructions on what buttons to push and when.  Well the tag on the toy said it was for ages 0-3 months.  Well M reached 3 months and still didn't know how to interactively play with the toy and I was secretly upset.  I thought to myself, "is M not smart? I mean I know she's smart, but why doesn't she play with this toy like she is supposed to? Oh no!!! Oh no!!!!"  And I started freaking out.  Then M's cousin came over, found the bear and LOVED it.  The cousin barely (no pun intended) knew how to play it and was 2 years old!!  Whew!! My worries were over.  The toy was dumb and was clearly intended for old children.  Do you get my point? 

Just be patient.  Don't be psychotic.  Roll with the punches and everything will be ok. Let your baby be a baby.  Don't rush things and that naturally happens and they grow up way too fast!

Don't sweat the small stuff.  Do what you feel is right.  Listen to that mommy intuition and the worst you will be is mediocre. ; )